Assignment: The Fight
Using narrative elements, write about an event that did not go as you expected.
Make sure the reader understands the significance of this event.
"Come on, Fatboy, come and catch us," John said as I tried to run after him and Mike. I started to close the distance when John moved in one direction and Mike in another. I stopped and sat on the bench to catch my breath.
This is what usually happened when I wanted to go to a playground to enjoy the summer day. Trouble started. These guys knew I was easy target.
"Why do I put up with this?," I thought. "Why don't I go home and watch TV? Why…"
My thoughts were broken by a rock smacking into my head. I looked back. Sure enough, there were Mike and John gesturing obscenely at me.
I moved to a different bench and watched some older kids play basketball. A few moments later, I felt was a punch on my back. I looked back and there was John, running the opposite direction.
"I don’t want to confront these guys," I thought. "I hate to fight." So I continued to watch the game.
A few minutes later, my hat was snatched from my head and thrown into a garbage can. I was starting to boil. I retrieved my hat, smelly and covered in garbage and glared at Mike.
"What are you going to do Fatboy?" he taunted. "Chase me? Come and get me if you can."
I didn’t want to fight, and they knew it. My only other fight got me a black eye and three days suspension from school. But this was the summer; no one was going to suspend me or get me into trouble. I did have a size and weight advantage, but they had speed. I sat down on the bench again to cool off.
In the corner of my eye, I saw Mike coming closer.
"This is it," I thought. "It’s now or never."
I sprang to my feet, caught him off guard and, just as he turned to run, grabbed him by the back of his T-shirt. I turned him around and gave him a shove backwards. He was shocked.
"What are you going to do now?" I screamed. My knees were shaking and my hands were clenched into fists. Everyone in the playground stopped to see the fight. Mike lunged at me; I pulled my arm back and swung as hard as I could. My left fist connected squarely with his right cheek. With my adrenaline surging, I hardly felt the punch.
Mike flew backwards. His expression turned from surprise to rage. He leaped at me. Feeling like Muhammad Ali, I moved to the left on my tiptoes, and swung again with all my might. I cracked Mike in the face again in the same spot.
He started to cry. But I was so filled with anger and hate that I felt no pity for him. He came at me again, screaming, and I gave a third and final blow to his face. He stopped. As his face turned a deep shade of red, he began coughing, then he suddenly vomited on the ground. The kids playing basketball started laughing. I paid no attention as I stood there watching him vomit.
I looked up and I saw John. He was on the opposite side of the basketball court. He looked frightened. I wanted to beat the daylights out of him too, but I didn’t. I had already made my point. I picked up my dirty hat and walked home.
I went back to that playground from time to time that summer, and no one picked on me.
This paper gets off to a good start. The writer jumps into the action without preliminaries and grabs our attention. So many papers begin with bland generalities, not this one.
This student also uses dialogue well. The quoted passages, of spoken words and thought, bring us closer to the action and give the paper a heightened sense of immediacy.
The voice of the paper is improved by the specific details as well as the pace. The action moves along briskly. The writer doesn't get bogged down in unnecessary words.
I would make a few changes, however. I'm sure that this writer was being taunted by two boys (Mike and John), but I would revise to eliminate John from the paper entirely. One bully would focus the paper more tightly. In writing about life experiences, sometimes we have to streamline in order to clarify our point, especially if we are working with a word limit.
I would also try to state the central idea more clearly at the end. Overall, however, this is a strong paper.
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