The Rice Report

Yellow Journalism at its best!

Saturday, July 28 MMVII

It Ain't America Any More

JOHNSTOWN, PENNA.- Maybe it never was. Maybe America lives only in the imagination of morally bankrupt politicians, like Bill Clinton, with their constant reference to the wholly fictitious "American Dream." This struck me in a quite poignant way about one month ago, not that it hadn't in some way or other previously.

I had sliced my foot open on a piece of glass and repaired to the medicine cabinet for my bottle of mercurochrome. It was getting low, so, the following day, when the bleeding had subsided sufficiently, I went to the local pharmacy/mini-mart for a refill. Surprise, surprise, they didn't carry it. I then went to my fall back, the supermarket. Again, a surprise, they didn't have it either.

Now, I could have bought something with a whimpy name, like "Bactine," but the pasty white bottle and the label advertising that it "didn't sting" failed to inspire me with confidence. If it doesn't sting, is it painless for the germs, too? If it is, how can it kill them? If it's so good, why isn't it used in operating rooms? The scenario of your surgeon spraying the open slice in your appendix with a bottle of Bactine just struck me as ludicrous. On the other hand, the bright red tincture of mercurochrome anounces quite clearly that "I'm here to kill!"I was sure that if I got access to an operating room I would find a stash of my treasured mercurochrome. I put another plan into motion.

At home I did an internet search hoping to find a stash of mercurochrome I could buy by mail. After all, aren't people getting great illegal drugs from Canada that way? Ordinary mercurochrome shouldn't be that hard! But, no such luck. Instead, I found a site devoted to ... can you believe it ... GETTING MERCUROCHROME UNBANNED!

Banned? Mercurochrome is a "banned" substance?? It's a friggin' antiseptic that's been in use for almost a century! Why the hell would it be banned? It's never produced the likes of a thalidimide baby. Well, the website answered my own question. And, I should have known!

At the heart of the mystery? Why, it's those munificent benefactors of mankind, the FDA in conjunction with the EPA. You see, mercurochrome contains that oh-so deadly substance, mercury, and for the well-being of humanity--and the mercury paranoia of the last 20 years--a substance that has done nothing but benefit mankind should be banned. With it goes merthiolate and the access of the general public to accurate thermometers, as well.

If mercurochrome is that deadly, I should have expired at age l3. Coming in from playing, my mother would bathe me in the stuff. Of course, none of us were stupid enough to ingest it, but, topically, it killed germs better than exposing them to a speech by Algore. Is the problem that children would ingest it? Then we may as well ban everything on the planet. I say, let Darwinianism take its course, if that's the problem. The gene pool will be strengthened for it.

What about iodine? Can I get a friggin' bottle of iodine? It's almost as good as mercurochrome. I go back to the supermarket and scan the shelves--no friggin' iodine. Is that banned too?? This is my lucky day. I actually find a store employee to whom I can ask a question: "Do you carry iodine?" They do. But, guess what? I have to ask at the pharmacy window. So, I do. They have iodine. But, now another legacy of the era of Soccer-Mommie-gone-mad, ... I have to sign for the stuff. I sign, but I sign 'Bill Clinton' in their little pharmacy book. If anyone is killed by a bottle of iodine in the Johnstown area, maybe they'll arrest Bill Clinton. I pay $3.64 for a tiny 3 ounce bottle of friggin' iodine.

Meanwhile, in the wake of Algore inspired global warming hysteria, parts of the country are being forced to give up incandescent lighting in favor of flourescent bulbs. You know the type. They're swirled like the ice cream in a Mr. Softy cone (by the way, I haven't seen a Mr. Softy truck recently. Has he been banned, too?) and they screw into a normal incandescent socket. But, guess what their prime constituent is? Did you guess, mercury? Oh, good for you! Algore is forcing you to have rooms full of mercury, but I still can't have a bottle of mercurochrome. The next time I cut myself, I'll break a light bulb for an antiseptic.

Since I mentioned Algore in the paragraph above, I may as well ask you this question. If you've avoided every math and science course you possibly could, in college or elsewhere, and are functionally illiterate, but you play a guitar badly, what career choices are open to you? How about, "climatologist?" Yes, you too can be a world-recognized expert on climatology if your credentials are a) playing in a rock band, and b) having nothing but concern for humanity. Other than that, you can be a failed politician who flunked out of a liberal Divinity School. Where else but America can a lack of credentials turn you into an expert?

My "American Dream" is quite simple. I want the freedom to buy a friggin' bottle of mercurochrome. Where can I go for that? I guess I'll have to settle for Mexico.

My next dream is even simpler. I'd like people to realize that rock "stars" ain't scientists. Is that too much to ask? Probably. It just ain't America, any more.

The views expressed here are my own--it's a good bet they don't reflect those of the University.