Noi Joisey?  No Dank You!
      
           Over Christmas I made a trip to my favorite third
      world country--New Jersey.  Oh, don't get me wrong.  I'm
      in no way making any kind of ethnic comment on the popula-
      tion of our neighbor to the east, although at times, I
      was hard pressed to find anyone who spoke English, which
      became a problem usually only when I went to buy gasoline.
      No, you see, what turns New Jersey into a third world 
      slum is the very same thing that creates any slum--
      Democrats.
      
          Take the aforementioned gas buying, for instance.
      Nowhere in the entire state is there a self-serve gas 
      station.  You see it's actually illegal for you to get 
      out of your car and pump your own gas.  There are several
      reasons for this.  l) You, an untutored member of the 
      general public, don't have the training that a highly 
      instructed gas station attendant has, to pump your
      own gas; 2) Because, as a member of the genseral public,
      you're basically a scoff law, you might try to put 
      gasoline into an unapproved container, and 3) This law 
      helps New Jersey towards that Utopian dream of full 
      employment, by forcing you to pay for something you
      neither want nor need, a highly trained gas pump opera-
      tor.  Now, these may not be New Jersey's reasons, but 
      they are the reasons that idealistic and Utopian members
      of the Pennsylvania legislature (otherwise known as 
      Marxists) give for bringing the failure of New Jersey
      to Pennsy.
      
          New Jersey does have some newspapers.  They spend 
      their time trying to imitate the socialism of the 
      Philadelphia Inquirer.  As far as that goes, they're
      fairly successful, which makes you wonder why anyone would
      read them if they can find a copy of the Inquirer.
      Of course, the Philadelphia Inquirer is not to be confused
      with the supermarket's National Enquirer.  The latter is
      not only more interesting, but more truthful as well.
      
          I was reading the December 28th edition of one 

        Jersey paper in particular, the Burlington County
        Times.  At the top of page one was a story about a 
        study done by the New Jersey Chamber of Commerce.
        It contained some information which most Jersey-ans
        found puzzling, viz., New jersey is losing business
        due to government policies considered unfriendly to 
        business.  And it said exactly that, "considered un-
        friendly," not actually unfriendly.  So the problem is 
        just that the ordinary businessman is basically un-
        educated with an unjustified impression of the Garden
        State.  And, Heaven forbid, we don't want to be
        unenlightened enough to actually call any government
        policy "unfriendly to business" do we?
        
            As if the Fates had read my mind, I looked down
        the same page to read a headline that said as of the 
        first of the year, home improvement contractors in
        New Jersey will need a license to operate.  But
        one also has to read the fine print.  The license is
        ninety bucks, but the liability insurance the con-
        tractor will have to carry is a a cool half mil.  Oh,
        and not only that, the home owner will have the option
        to cancel the contract scott-free any time during the
        first three days of the deal.  Renee Borstad of the
        Burlington County Office of Consumer Affairs said that
        this was to protect the contractor as well as the 
        consumer.  It reminded me of those signs on the 
        Pennsy Turnpike that tell me that police radar is for
        "my protection."  Just how radar protects me from
        anything--unless it's aliens allergic to the beams--
        is a mystery to me.  I'm sure the New Jersey con-
        tractor will get the same feeling of comfort that I
        do from the use of radar.
        
            The same newspaper told me how the Burlington
        County dump is losing money.  In fact, it's been losing
        money since l997.  You may well wonder with all the 
        garbage we produce, how any place that collects gar-
        bage for a living can run at a loss.  It's quite
        simple.  It's run by the government.

        For the last eight years, local trash  haulers have 
        found out of county collection sites to be considerably
        cheaper than the Burlington County site.  So, what have
        they been doing?  Well, they've been following good
        economic practice and going to the cheaper sites.
        Now, what's interesting is the response of the 
        Burlington County Board of Freeholders to economic
        necessity.  Neighboring counties are lowering their
        prices and taking business out of Burlington County.
        So, to stay in business, what should Burlington County
        do?  That's right, raise their prices!
        
            In the face of mounting economic competion, the 
        Freeholders have raised the fee about 3% a year
        for eight years.  They were losing money to comp-
        etitors in '97, so to compensate they raise fees in
        '97.  This caused them to lose business to competitors
        in '98, so to compensate they raised fees in '98.
        This caused them to lose business in '99, so to com-
        pensate they raised fees in '99.  You get the picture.
        Just repeat the scenario for every year, n plus one
        to infinity.  A rat running a maze will learn quicker.
        Too bad we won't be around to see the fee hike in
        2100, that is, if anyone still uses the Burlington
        County dump.  
        
            Like everything else, your home is the government's
        castle.  New Jersey is no different, only more so.
        A few years ago, one of the state's eight and a half
        million inhabitants happened to suffocate himself on 
        carbon monoxide from a faulty heater.  That's one out
        of eight and a half million, so the chances of it 
        happening to you are infintesimally small.  But, not
        to shirk their duty to ensure that all New Jerseyans
        are safe from even the remotest possibilities of 
        death, the legislature made it a necessity for all
        residents to have carbon monoxide detectors (and the
        ubiquitous smoke detectors) in every room of the house.
        
            During the same time period, some soccer mommie's
        little darling managed to pull a stove over on 

        himself--Darwinism at work.  The result was another rush
        to make the world safe for nincompoops.  In most
        New Jersey municipalities, your kitchen stove has to 
        be bolted to the back wall.  As other household goods
        come crashing down on junior, one can only wonder if 
        any home will have any wall space left for family 
        pictures.
        
            Driving with my sister, we came to an intersection
        in the burbs.  A friendly sign reminded us that we 
        could turn right on red ... except (and there's always
        an exception in NJ) ... when children are present.
        I suppose if anyone else is present you can throw 
        caution to the wind.  I reminded my sister that she 
        couldn't make our turn.  She looked at me quizzically,
        "And just why not?"  "Well," I said, "There are chil-
        dren present!"  "And just where is that?" she said.
        I pointed to my niece in the rear seat.  Sometimes
        my sister doesn't have a sense of humor.
        
            A few days later I was driving west across the 
        Delaware and back to America, back to a land where I 
        didn't have to bolt my stove to the kitchen wall,
        where I could pump my own gas, and hiring someone to
        paint my livingroom didn't involve me in a legal 
        nightmare.  Oh, and I should also mention, to a 
        land where I could safely and legally carry the comfort
        blanket of my choice--my Colt Cobra .38.  As I came
        off the bridge, a friendly sign read, "Welcome to
        Pennsylvania."  I breathed a long sigh of relief.
        
            To paraphrase former New Jersey governor, 
        Thomas Keane:  New Joisey with anyone else but me--
        Poifect tugaythir.
        
        
        
        
        
        
        Johnstown, Penna.                March 10th '06