| CATEGORY | THE REAL WORLD | JOHNSTOWN |
|---|---|---|
| Eligible Bachelor | College degree, professional job | G.E.D., works at Easygrade Brushless Autowash |
| Formal Wear | Black Tuxedo | Blue Jeans and faded Jack Ham Steelers' shirt |
| Sophisticated Traveler | Has been around the world | Has been to Pittsburgh |
| Celebrity Sightings | Kevin Costner | Jeff Allen (former anchorman for Fox news) |
| Summer | Memorial Day to Labor Day | First week of August |
| Nice Weather | 80 degrees and sunny | No flooding, only 80 inches of snow |
| Great Music | Bach's St. Matthew's Passion | Pittsburgh Steelers Polka |
| Ideal Soft Drink | Perrier with a twist | Sheetz 64 Oz. Big Gulp with Mountain Dew |
| Ideal Restaurant for Wedding Anniversary | Four Seasons | Hoss's [sic] Steak House |
| Place to Shop for Wedding Present | Bloomingdale's | Big Lots |
| Romantic Gift for Wife | Imported Cologne | Blaze orange hunting vest |
| Romantic Gift for Husband | Armani Suit | Blaze orange hunting vest |
| Elegant Meal | Escargot and Filet Mignon | 12" MTO and six-pack |
| International Banking | Schweizerische Bank Gesellschaft | Slovenian Savings and Loan |
| Lifetime Goal | To reach the top of the corporate ladder | Lifetime recipient of workman's compensation |
| Sports Memorabilia | Mickey Mantle autographed baseball | Johnstown Jets key chain |
| Classic Movie | Gone with the Wind | Dumb and Dumber |
| Job Bonus | Stock options | No picket line duty during strike |
| Ethnic Event | Mardi Gras | Ferndale Jubilee |
| Low Calorie Food | Cuisine Noveau | I.C. Light |
| Designer Label | Ralph Lauren Polo | Good Will Industries |
| Newcomer's Club | Helps newcomers feel welcome | Crisis counseling for newcomers who see downtown for the first time |
| Nice Smile | Ivory white teeth, fresh breath | Front teeth present and accounted for |
| Luxury Vehicle | BMW or Mercedes Benz | Camo-painted Chevy 3/4 ton 4x4 with monster tires and running board |
| Best Orchestra | Philadelphia Symphony | Frankie Yankovich and the Yanks |
| Famous Judge | Sandra Day O'Connor | Joe O'kicki |
| Reasons for Living Where you Do | Cultural events, nice neighborhood | Can't make it outside of Johnstown |
| Great Newspaper | Washington Times | Save Your Dollars Shopper |
| Success Story | Leaves family farm, joins firm in L.A. | Leaves Dunlo, joins Post Office in Salix |
| Popular Meeting Place* | Club Med | Cruising Scalp Avenue |
| Great Mottoes | Excelsior! | Johnstown--Home of its residents! |
*Thanks to Marc Haberkorn for this comparison.
Do you have a clever comparison to Johnstown that would fit on this page? If you do, email it to me and I'll include it here, as long as it doesn't offend children, the elderly, the Communications Decency Act, small animals or our former Boy President.
