Student Paper
Narration
Grade: A-

Assignment:
Write a paper, built on narration, about an event that changed your family in a significant way. Be sure to make clear what the changes were.



 

 

Jill's Death

Jill was one of the healthiest persons I have ever known. How could she die at forty-three? She was an athlete, an award winning N.C.A.A. track star. Jill was attacked by cancer and swept away from our family. Her sudden illness and death left Laura, Jason and I stunned and shattered.

We had the world to enjoy. We lived in a ranch style home Jill and I finished together. It was nestled at the foot of the Colorado Rockies, one of the most beautiful places on earth. Our fifteen acres was like a wildlife sanctuary, with deer, elk and bear roaming through our property.

I first met Jill when she came to work at the office. We were friends at first. We walked, ran, swam, played tennis, hiked in the mountains, biked, and exercised together at the Athletic Club


Our friendship grew into love, and after a year and a half, we got married. Nine months later Laura was born. Our financial situation allowed Jill to quit her job and be a mom. After three years our son, Jason was born.

It was a special time in our lives. We shared the joy and responsibility of raising Laura and Jason. We bathed, dressed, changed diapers, played on the floor, sang songs with them, and read stories to them. We took them for walks in the woods around our house. Laura and Jason went with us when Jill and I played sports and exercised together. We were a family experiencing life together. We wouldn’t know how special it was until the summer of 1995.

The flight home from Titusville was a lonely and sad one. I was looking forward to seeing Jill, Laura and Jason. I had just returned from my Dad’s funeral in Pennsylvania.

When I got off the plane and saw Jill, something in her face was different. She was edgy. She looked very tired. She said, “ I have pain in my lower right groin area.” This was Sunday and we couldn’t see Dr. Jackson, our family doctor. Jill went to see Dr. Jackson on Tuesday. She immediately told Jill to get an ultrasound done. The ultrasound showed a growth on her right ovary. She was scheduled for exploratory surgery on Thursday.

I immediately stood up when Dr. Renninger came into the hospital waiting room. His face looked like stone, there were tears in his eyes. He touched me, and said, "Jill has ovarian Cancer." I collapsed back down into the chair, my face in my hands, and I cried out loud.

A couple of Jill’s sisters came out from Boston, where Jill was born. I was overwhelmed with the death of my Dad, and now Jill was in the advance stages of ovarian cancer

Jill’s family is dominating and opinionated. Being an only child, I was left alone without a support system to make decisions that needed to be made and to deal with Jill’s family.

The decision for Jill to have treatment at Massachusetts General Hospital was made, though Jill and I weren’t sure this was the best solution. But by Sunday, Jill, Laura, Jason and I were in Boston, staying with one of Jill’s sisters. Our peace and tranquility left in the Colorado mountains.

From that Thursday in June until an early morning in February, our lives consisted of hospitals trips, medical seminars on ovarian cancer, trips to the drug store for prescriptions, and arguments with Jill’s family, accusing me of causing her cancer, were frequent.

I made one trip back to our home in Colorado. Because I didn’t have anybody to watch Laura and Jason, I left them with Jill’s Mom and Dad and Aunts. That was one of the biggest mistakes I made during this whole ordeal. They thought the best thing for the kids, were for Laura and Jason to stay with them after Jill was gone. I left Colorado, stopped in Titusville, picked up my Mom and headed back to Arlington. Now at least I had my own support, my Mom.

When we got back to the Aunt’s house, Jill’s family wouldn’t let me stay with Jill and the kids. And they wouldn’t let Laura and Jason come with me. Because Jill was staying at her sister’s house and because of her declining condition, it was nearly impossible for Jill to disagree with her family. I could visit when I wanted to; it just wasn’t the same as living with her. I didn’t want to cause any more anxiety to Jill so I accepted the situation.

Jill didn’t respond to any of the treatments that the Oncologists tried. At 9:00a.m.on February 22, 1996, the phone rang, at the apartment where my Mom and I were living. One of Jill’s sisters was on the line. Jill had died at 6:33 that morning.Laura, Jason and I never got the chance to say good-bye, before she died.

The day Jill passed away; I wanted to be with Laura and Jason to grieve together as a family. I knew when they were with me Laura and Jason were not going back with Jill’s family again. One of Jill’s closest friends and my best friend from in Colorado came to Boston and helped my family fly back west. Jill’s body, Laura and Jason and I were going home, but our lives were changed forever.

This paper has a lot of voice and good conflict. It is also strong mechanically.

This paper contains a focus problem, however. So many narrative papers don't focus on a particular moment but try to cover a series of complex developments occurring over time. Those sorts of topics don't lend themselves well to narration. Achieving a tighter focus would have been particularly difficult for this writer because he is writing about such a traumatic and deeply felt series of events.

Overall, however, this is a strong paper with strengths that far outweigh the weaknesses.



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